It is what it is

I'm not one who usually brags about herself, but to show a point I will for a second. I get told by family, friends, strangers, acquaintances, Facebook friends, doctors, etc how wonderful our kids are, how great of parents we are and how good I am at motherly and wifely things. If I blushed, I would... I do however get speechless, I'm not good at compliments I think because I never know what to say except thank you, that means a lot. Which is true, but it sounds so generic. It really does mean a lot. I grew up hearing one compliment usually, that was how pretty I was. My mom always said, "Antonia, you are so pretty" or "you are beautiful and pretty" or some other comment about my looks only. Being pretty is great, I guess, but I never really thought of myself as just pretty. I thought I was smart, talented, kind, giving and creative. Now she sometimes tells me that I used to be good at writing or I used to be good at drawing, but those still come out as back handed compliments since she says them like that, "used to be" like I am not those things anymore. The point is, she saw me as pretty, and I really think that is all she saw. I am who I am despite how I was raised. I have had 3 step dads, on the third one still now. I have never met my birth father and probably never will. My moms first marriage ended when I was 5, second one when I was 7 or 8 I think and she got married right before my 14th birthday. I was raised by a single mother who wanted to be just the single part most of the time and not always the mother part. Don't get me wrong, this isn't about bashing my mother, because she did help coach my t-ball team when I was 5 and was a co Girl Scout leader up until I hit fifth grade (although I remember my aunt mostly with Girl Scouts due to my mom having surgeries and other issues). She was there when I was younger, she was sporadic as I got older, but I think once I hit teenage age I was pretty much on my own. I didn't live on the street or anything, but I fended for myself. I was mouthy, still am, but it was a defense mechanism more than anything. I got called names that I would never call anybody. I was told that she loved me, because she had to, but she didn't like me. I got a lot of my Christmas gifts at garage sales, and most of my school clothes too. No problem with garage sales, but it was embarrassing being 13,14,15, etc and going to people's houses that I went to school with and having my mom buy their clothes, purses or other things. I wasn't raised how I am raising my kids, and I think that's because instead of being the rule and treating my kids how I was treated, I am the exception and I am raising them how I wish I could've been raised. No child, no matter how old, (and I am 26) should be told to "F" off more than once by their mother. I love my mother, I pray for her every night, but I also strive to not be like her.